Rogue Zahmbie Chickens

December 8, 2009, 5:07 AM
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hello Friends!

 Not even sure where to start here.  I could weave a tale of enabling and codependence, love and hurt…but…well, at this time, I don’t know that laying it all out would help anyone.  My name is Jen and I’m codependent.  I am an enabler.  Rest assured, I do it for “all the right reasons”, but that certainly hasn’t done anything for my once-again-crushed emotions.  *This* time, I do believe it is a bit different (because of witness accounts), but just her words are strong enough to send my world reeling.   The relationship is in such a condition that just a few hurtful words (that she supposedly didn’t say – I adore how the words are TOTALLY something she could say – and HAS said things like this in the past- are enough to push me to being completely, totally done with her.    The only constant with her is chaos.  But, lest I let on that the problem in my life is her, I have yet more work to do.  Well, I have more work to be done.  After an emotional evening, disbelief, crying, I have to find the strength to again give this to God.   The thing I’ve learned from this, whether or not she actually said the things that were told to me, is that this relationship is very one sided.  There is a giver.  There is a taker.  The taker creates chaos, in the ongoing quest for attention.  The giver lives in chaos because she completely allows it.  No other reason.  I allow it.   I’ve been better in my codependency.  I have been.  Putting my foot down, saying ‘no’ when needed, not letting my emotions get the better of me, but until I am willing to stop the enabling, it will continue.  I know this, I’ve known for a long time.  What I don’t know is how to let go.  How do I let someone I love so much continue on a path of  self destruction and chaos.  It affects me, my family.  How long does she really think we’re going to do this?  We’ve given all we have to give.  She has gladly taken.   We can’t speak to her, she gets angry.  Zero accountability, responsibility.  Who gets to do that?  She needs to grow up.  Get a clue.  I can’t make that happen.  Not my problem.  The things I do, at this point…well… I won’t stop helping completely -although, this time yesterday evening, I was completely ready and felt justified in cutting her off 100% – if she really didn’t say those things, I can’t very well make that the straw that broke the camel’s back…right?   I don’t like the feeling that I’m having right now.  Waiting for the last straw.  It feels like an inevitability.  Is it wrong that I just wish she’d do something really stupid, say something hurtful?  Just so I can feel justified in being done with her?  I’m acutely angry right now… trying to not feel the feelings that are ripping at me right now.  Trying to just be.  It is not working.  I’m seeing very clearly right now, which, frankly, isn’t exceptionally pleasant…but I have dug this hole myself.  I’ve allowed it to continue.  The feelings of victimization that I despise in her are not going to creep into my heart.  I am in control of what I say and do.  I am not going to be a vessel of negativity and hate.  I’m not going to be a tool for evil.  I’m relieved that she apparently didn’t say these things, but feeling very uneasy that our relationship is so tenuous that a few little words would end it in my mind.  I don’t want relationships like this.  This is not what I believe is positive or good.  I can’t, for my own sanity, be a part of this roller coaster.  She needs to do what she needs to do.  I’m not, at this point, cutting her off completely.  But I am keeping my distance.  I’ve had my fill of the chaos, but  am having a great difficulty in my heart because I know my head is telling me “she didn’t do it this time, don’t do anything too harsh.”  but my heart is done… going through the motions, waiting for her to understand, waiting on her to get it.  Good luck, right?  Not waiting for her understanding anymore.  It doesn’t matter if or when she gets it.  I need to do what I need to do…. My heart is done doing this, going through the motions.  And my head…while my head says “She didn’t do it THIS TIME”, my head is also just waiting for the ball to drop one last time… waiting, and probably searching, for one last thing that will give me permission to let it all go.


3 Comments so far
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Comment by Kasi

((hugs))You know that in my life, I waited for that other shoe to drop, to force me to make the changes that I needed to make. Not sure if it more dropped,or just flew off and kicked me in the rear. Now my relationship has ended in one way, but still continues. The unhealthy parts are being pruned away, and hopefully something healthy can continue on. Everything has changed, and it can’t go back, and it is such a blessed relief. I pray that you are able to make the changes that you need to (’cause you know you can’t change, or fix her) and can go on in a peaceful coexistence, instead of the painful partnership you feel stuck in right now.

Comment by Kimberly

Ahh, Jen…what can I say? You know that I know what you are going through and all I can say is that I’m sorry, trust God to carry you through it and allow us to keep you accountable. LOVE you bunches and hope you get to feeling better soon! HUGS, ~K~

Comment by Kristy Meyer

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